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[14 Feb 2007|03:45am] |
First off, why the hell is my border on the site pink?
Secondly, sorry for my absence even though I only talk to one of you and I already explained what's been going on to her. (By the way I was hoping to get to talk to you again, so it worked out for the better.)
All I've been seeing lately is my friends succeeding where I've failed. Keeping a job, finishing school, having relationships. I don't say this to smite them, but I'm incredibly glad for them. I just wish I had a place somewhere in their new lifestyles. I always promised myself if it came down to it, and I wasn't dead yet. I wouldn't just be a straggler or the third wheel to anyone.
Odds are if I can't get my life to pick up soon, I'm joining the army. I'm not really scared of being physically hurt, or killed. Emotionally I've been beaten up my whole life so that side has pretty much grown cold as well. So I figure why not put myself where I'm actually doing something. It's funny a lot of my friends think I'm insane. I don't really bow to authority like most people do, I don't mind being hurt. But I'd give up my entire personality, my entire shit hole of a life that I've dug myself into to be able to have a relationship with someone, have a friendship with someone where I'm not afraid or paranoid about letting them get close to me.
I went to see my grandmother in the hospital not too long ago, she goes once a week it seems. But apparently this time she was "Actually" dying. Everyone around me, my uncle, mom, grandpa, sister, all they did was force small talk onto each other and express how sad they were. I got up and went outside to go smoke and some lady walked over to me and asked if she could preach to me. I just kind of laughed and told her to go away and she asked why I was there, told her what was going on and she asked me why I wasn't sad. I honestly didn't have any answer for her. It's not that I don't love my family. I mean I hope I love them. I don't love my dad. Maybe I don't love any of them. It feels like I've gotten everything, every problem they've all had and got it tattooed into my brain. I sit there and watch them live day by day, wondering how they go on with all the horrible things they've done in life.
There are some things man can't forgive. No matter what religion what faith you think you have.
I don't forgive myself for anything I've done. I don't blame anyone else for my actions either. My dad sucked, but it's not his fault I got addicted to some drugs a while back, it was my fault, I couldn't... can't shake what I know. I should get into christianity again, after all god forgives everyone and you'll be pure huh? Load of bullshit. Just because you give your life to what you think is christ doesn't mean everyones forgiven all the bullshit you did. It doesn't put you above anyone and that's what corrupts christians. They get so fucking full of themselves without even noticing, then deny it when someone confronts them.
Sorry I'm not in a right state of mind right now. Score 1 for old habbits flaring up. Although I believe every word I've said, they're incoherent and you shouldn't take them to heart.
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[21 Dec 2006|12:21pm] |
Meh as if playing counter-strike with a mic wasn't hard enough, my desk just broke.
I'm so bored, All my friends have better things to do anymore, I want to get out of here.
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[10 Dec 2006|01:57pm] |
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music |
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tapes 'n tapes |
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For the past 3 years my mom has been doing this thing where she will go through however much of my room she can whenever I leave it. (Even if I just go out to smoke a cigarette) Don't take this as me having things to hide, but I'm nearly 18, if it were legal I'd be out of here already, it's not like I'm completely leeching off of her until I literally have to leave... Is it too much to ask for a little privacy? If you have any older siblings (may be different for you) but don't you remember trying to go into their room and always getting yelled at, well my mom always supported them while doing that to me, which I can understand now. But why is it that Linnsi, Brandon, and Amber got that and I get the other way around. She goes through my room, with no respect for anything at all. If she knocks something over it gets left on the floor, she'll move shit and just leave it wherever she wants. Whenever I confront her about it, her excuse is that she was cleaning, which is bullshit, half the time it's even worse looking when she leaves. All of it started after the second time she accused me of being on drugs. Meh, she's just such a headache, every time I see her it makes me sick. She will never admit to being wrong unless it'll make her look like more of a noble person. When it comes to how she treats me she's 'always' right, and certain areas of her memory just 'blank' out when it's things that show her being irresponsible. I don't know I guess it's more noticeable due to being in a bad mood in the first place. It's just one of those weeks where everything small adds up and then something big happens and it just pushes you a little too far.
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[09 Dec 2006|02:39pm] |
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music |
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the magic numbers |
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I'm Tyler.
I'm seventeen.
I live in California.
I love photography.
I love computers.
I love being alone.
Emily this doesn't make LiveJournal cool, I just forgot my DeadJournal password.
( Pictures. )
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